So. My play. Frank and the Zombies, at least until I get a better idea for the title. One more thing: hate the art, not the artist.

Frank and the Zombies

Cast of Characters:

Director Maciej (DM) - Maciej
Maciej - The actor playing Maciej
Milton - The actor playing Milton
Melissa - The actress playing Melissa
Janet - The actress playing Janet
Director Megan (dm) - Megan
Megan - The actress playing Megan
Guy - Some guy

{Scene 1}

[DM stands alone center stage]

DM: The hardest part of telling a story is deciding where to start. For example, if I was to tell you the story of my life, would I start at my birth, allowing it to build chronologically, until the moment of my death, or would I jump right in at the most important part, and hope you were able to pick up any details you might need? I had this problem with my last film.

Milton [offstage]: Maciej! I need your help.

DM: Well, maybe 'had' is a bad word to use. [Milton enters] God, actors are impossible sometimes.

Milton: I don't get my character. The script says that he's a happy person. But you keep telling me, "Angst! Angst!"

DM: Your character is colorblind. He can't see red or green. Christmas is meaningless to him. The grass is gray. How do you think that makes him feel?

Milton: But your script--

DM: He's a cripple. YOU'RE a cripple. Hopeless. Dejected. Depressed. Fucking act the part.

Milton: I know happy--

DM: You know nothing. Get back to the set.

[Milton exits muttering angrily]

DM: Goddamn actors. Anyway, where was I? The story...

{Scene 2}

[Maciej and Milton are standing and talking]

Maciej: Megan secretly hates me. I can tell.

Milton: She got our phone number tattooed on her arm. Not to mention all of that sex. How could she hate you?

Maciej: Everybody does. I can tell.

[Maciej lights a clove cigarette and begins smoking]

[DM storms in angrily, breaking the two up]

DM: Cut! Megan, what the fuck is this? I'm not goth, I don't smoke, why did you cast this douchebag to play me?

dm: Artistic license.

DM: Fuck this. This is supposed to be a film about my life. Fuck artistic li--

dm: By "Artistic license" I mean, "Shut up or I'll whip you."

DM: I'll be good.

{Scene 3}

[Megan, Melissa, and Janet are standing and talking]

Janet: Hey, what's that on your arm?

Megan: It's nothing...

Melissa: Is that a phone number?

Megan: No...

Janet: It looks like a phone number. Who's is it?

Megan: It's a... um... suicide prevention hotline. They're really good. But you shouldn't call them.

DM: Aaaand... cut! Do you think that's too subtle? Maybe the audience won't remember that Megan got Maciej's phone number tattooed on her arm. People these days aren't used to an intellectual film like this.

dm: Look, you're almost shoving it down their throats. They'll get it. Now, I have to talk to you about...

[DM and dm exit together talking, Janet quickly follows]

Melissa: Wait! Maciej!

DM [offstage]: I'm a but busy!

Melissa: I need to talk to you.

[DM walks back, face smeared with lipstick]

DM: Fucking actors... what do you want?

Melissa: I can't do this anymore. This isn't the dignified role I was promised. Your screenplay... Look. My character says that she, "Melted like butter on his hot ass. Maciej then spread me on the toast-like bed, and," it goes on. It's shit. You didn't tell me I'd be playing such a slut. I want out.

DM: Calm down. We've all got to make sacrifices for this to work. Yours just happen to be... bigger.

Melissa: Megan, back me up on this. Your character gets drunk and tries to make out with me.

Megan: What? Let me see that. [Reads script] What the fuck? I'm Irish. Vodka is like milk to me. This is bullshit.

DM: I know it's not easy for you. But it's not easy for me either. I can't rewrite the entire script just because you don't want to do the orgy scene.

Melissa: ... What orgy scene?

DM: Oh, I'm sure there's one in there. But we're filming the next scene in a minute, and you're not in it, so get the hell off my set.

[Melissa leaves angrily. dm enters, clothes disheveled]

dm: Oh, there you are--where the fuck did you get the lipstick?

{Scene 4}

[Maciej and Milton in a dorm room]

[Phone rings, Maciej answers]

Janet (phone): I want to kill myself...

Maciej: Look, is this about my website? I told you not to read it. Leave me the hell alone.

[Hangs up]

[Phone rings again, Maciej answers]

Janet: No, I really want to kill myself...

Maciej: Fuck off.

[Hangs up, storms off]

[Phone rings again, Milton answers]

Janet: I'm going to kill myself now...

Milton: Can you see color?

Janet: What? Yes, but--

Milton: Then you have so much more to live for.

Janet: I guess. This is a terrible suicide prevention hotline though.

Milton: Hotline? It's a dorm room.

Janet: Who was the counselor that told me to fuck off?

Milton: Oh. My roommate. I'll make him apologize once his fit of artistic rage passes.

Maciej (offstage): Aaaaargh!

[Breaking glass]

DM: Ok, cut. Milton, you're doing better. I can almost feel his pain. Um, if you could be a bit more colorblind though, that'd be great.

Milton: How do I do that?

DM: Just try not to see green so much.

Milton: I'm already not seeing green.

DM: Well, then try to lose blue. For you it's always a cloudy day. Sad and angsty. Can you do that?

Milton: We--

DM: Great.

{Scene 5}

Janet: God, I met the best guy ever. I'm so happy. I wish everybody could feel this way.

Melissa: I'd be... Fuck you, Maciej, I'm not doing this.

DM: Cut. Yes you are. You've got a contract.

Melissa: The hell with the contract. I refuse.

DM: Do it, or you're back on the street, giving blowjobs for crack.

Melissa: I never gave--

DM: Shut up. Action!

Janet: God, I met the best guy ever. I'm so happy. I wish everybody could feel this way.

Melissa [angrily]: I'd be a slut for happiness.

[Maciej runs on]

Maciej: Really?

Melissa [Sighing]: Yes.

Maciej: Sweet. Oh, hi Janet. Milton told me to make sure that you're still on for dinner tonight. Now, Melissa, how...

DM: Cut. I think it's pretty apparent that Janet and Milton are together now, isn't it?

dm: No shit.

DM: The audience--

dm: Is a lot smarter than you give them credit for.

DM: What I was going to say was, "Might not have figured out that time has passed and that the two started dating after Janet's call," but yours works too.

{Scene 6}

[Milton and Janet are at a table in a restaurant, eating dinner]

Janet: I love red wine. I love the taste, the feel, and especially the color. God, it's so red.

Milton: I can't see it.

Janet: And this steak. Sooo red. I like blood. And steak. And red. Especially red.

Milton: And I can't see it.

Janet: You can't see it?

Milton: No. It's just gray.

Janet: How about the wine? It's even more red. Can you see it?

Milton: It's a slightly grayer gray.

Janet: How about that fire truck that just passed? It was the reddest thing I've ever seen. Could you see that red?

Milton: No. But it was the grayest thing I've ever seen.

Janet: God, how do you manage to live?

Milton: Well, I cry a lot.

DM: Cut. Milton, you're doing great with his angst. Watching that made me want to kill myself. Perfect.

Milton: Thanks. But do you think, possibly, that we might be making fun of the colorblind too much? My roommate was colorblind, and I don't think he'd appreciate this...

DM: No. You can't ever make fun of the colorblind too much.

Milton: But, what if he sees this?

DM: During editing we'll tint everything red. Don't worry about it.

Milton: ...Ok.

DM: Lunch break, everyone. Meet back here in an hour to finish filming.

[Everybody except DM leaves]

{Scene 7}

DM: My life. It's a cool life, I think. At least, I like it. And making a film of it is certainly an experience. I was a bit pissed at Megan for remaking me into some dumbass Goth and then shifting the story away from me, but it works. And I can't fault that. Besides, who wants to watch a film about some angsty teenage sellout? While we're waiting for the others to get back, let's watch the trailer for one of my films that's just about to hit theaters.

Guy: Four months ago, I weighed 357 pounds. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. I was disgusted with myself, that I had sunk so low. I tried the Subway diet, but to no avail. I just didn't have the motivation to diet or exercise properly. And then the zombies attacked. Fuck you, Subway.

DM: Frank and the Zombies, in theaters March 3rd.

{Scene 8}

[Maciej and Megan are sitting together in the dorm room]

[Janet enters]

[Maciej gets up]

Maciej: Hi, Janet.

Janet [hugs Maciej]: Hey.

Maciej: Don't touch me. It reminds me how desperately lonely I am.

Janet: But, you have Megan.

Maciej: She hates me. I know it.

Megan: It's true.

Janet: Oh, yeah, that. Everybody hates you, I know. Even me.

Maciej: ...You too? I thought you were different. God! [Sobs, runs from the room]

Janet: Hey, Megan, have you seen Milton? He said he had something to tell me.

Megan: Sorry, he left when I got here. Muttered something about being 'sexiled,' and wanting to 'murder that damn Goth asshole.'

Janet: Oh. Well, if you see him, could you tell him that I was here?

Megan: Sure thing.

Janet: Thanks. See ya.

[Exits]

[Milton and Maciej enter]

Maciej: So, Milton, you're my only real friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. Everybody else hates me, but I know I can always rely on you to be there for me. You're a real pal. My best friend. My only friend.

Milton. Uh. Right. Hey, Megan.

Megan: Hi. Janet was just here, looking for you.

Milton: Really? That's great. Oh, sorry, Maciej, I have to go.

Maciej: Wait. Please. I want to tell you more about how much I hate the world and love you.

Milton: We'll do that later. Until then, just sit in the corner and cry. Bye, Megan.

[Milton exits]

DM: Cut. I sort of hate you for making me write that part.

dm: Oh, hush. It's better this way, and you know it.

Megan: I agree!

DM: Shut up and go screw your gay boyfriend.

[Megan shrugs and walks off. Maciej runs after her]

{Scene 9}

[Milton and Janet meet]

Milton: Janet, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Janet: Well, here I am.

[She moves to embrace him, but Milton stops her]

Milton: Janet, please... We can't see each other any more.

Janet: What? Why? We love each other, don't we?

Milton: Yes. I love you, but...

Janet: But what?

Milton: Janet, I've got to tell you something. During our time together I've realized something.

Janet: What is it?

Milton: I'm.... gay.

Janet: That's ok. I'm a man.

[They kiss as the lights fade out]

Email me. Or not. It's up to you: kuactet@udel.edu