I don't know what's more pathetic: that I'm a virgin writing about sex, or that I got this idea from Encyclopędia Dramatica. However, I like to think mine suck less.

I've watched a lot of porn in my day. And while I personally won't be having sex any time soon, I know that some of you might. And you probably haven't watched as much porn as me. So, as a public service to all the couples out there, I present Maciej's Definitive Guide to Sex. You're welcome.

Getting Started

First you need to find a partner. You could find them in a grocery store, outside, or on the internet. After you have found your partner, make sure nobody else is around, tie them up, and drag them to a secluded location.

Foreplay

Foreplay is strictly optional. If you do it though, you might not have to go to jail after. I recommended it.

Foreplay is anything to get you warmed up and ready for sex, including (but not limited to):
-Sucking parts of their body.
-Petting them heavily, making the occasional unkind reference to other animals.
-Oral sex.
-Biting all exposed body parts (this includes eyeballs).
-Saying, "I love you," when you don't.

Now you are ready to begin the sex.

Moves marked with an (M) can only be performed by males during sex. (M/F) moves can be performed by members of either gender. Two guys are required for ones marked (M,M). And so forth. Unless otherwise noted, this guide assumes heterosexuals.

Moves and Positions:

Bukkake (M,M,M,M,M,M,M)
Get a bunch of your friends and gangrape a girl. Ejaculate on her face in turn. Note: this is fucking weird.

Buttsex, Ungay (M)
Fuck her shitter.

Buttsex, Gay (M)
Fuck his shitter.

Buzzer, The (M/F)
Words alone cannot describe it; this move is based on the television show Jeopardy. Watch that until you get it.

Douchebag, The (M/F)
During foreplay, masturbate to orgasm. Immediately go to sleep, leaving your partner unsatisfied.

Emo, The (M/F)
Shake and cry whenever your partner touches you.

Flaming Gay (M)
Find a man. Set him on fire. Repeat.

Good Wife, The (F)
Make dinner.

John F. Kennedy, The (M)
Position your partner halfway on the bed, facing up, so that her legs are hanging off the edge. You stand facing her, lift her legs, put her ankles on your shoulders, and lean forward as far as you can. Then you kill the President.

Missionary, The (M)
The woman lies on her back, with her legs spread, with the man on top, facing her. The penis goes in the vagina. The man thrusts his hips repeatedly for maximum effect. Contrary to the name, converting her to Christianity is not required, unless you don't want to catch sin.

Rocket Scientist, The (M)
Obtain an advanced degree from a prestigious university. Become a renowned expert in your field.

Sociopath, The (M)
On a Friday night, leave her a trail of rose petals leading to a hot bath. Wash her gently, using oils and scented soaps where appropriate. Dry her, then take her into the bedroom for a sensual massage (be careful, you are not kneading dough!) Kiss her and tell her she is beautiful. Slowly let your hands explore her body. Kiss her some more. Then make sweet gentle love to her for hours. After you both climax, hold her and let her fall asleep in your arms. Then set her on fire.

Vow of Chastity, The (M/F)
Don't.

The Aftermath

Wait until you feel like getting up to clean up. Then get up. Then clean up.

Cleanup

What you need:
1 shovel
1 hole large enough to fit a dead body the size of your partner, dug in advance
1 tarp large enough to completely wrap said body

What you do:
Use your imagination.

Have fun, fuckers!